Street Fighter Beta
by Dilly-Oh
Summary: What would happen if some horribly sick fic author took the plot of Street Fighter Alpha the movie and twisted it with their own evil designs? You're looking at it! Enjoy the movie we all know and love, only grotesquely tweaked with silly humor and jokes.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Why in God's name am I so bored? I really need a better hobby. …Or DO I? For some strange reason, I can never watch anything Street Fighter without giggling like a loon. Help me.

For those of you that don't know, this fic is the first part of a parody I'm writing that's based on the movie Street Fighter Alpha. I just switched the Alpha with Beta for obvious reasons – my fic is retarded. It would definitely be funnier if you've watched the movie before continuing, but if not, hey, be my guest and read anyway. Enjoy, ignore, ridicule, it's up to you. Later!

Disclaimer: I don't own Street Fighter.

Street Fighter Beta

Part 1

Somewhere, in a mysteriously dark, silent place, Akuma, the lone warrior, was training. With loud grunts and cries, his fiery hair shaking and beads swinging about him, the warrior honed his fighting skills on invisible enemies. He performed a high kick, jabbed a fist to the left, then began dancing backwards to a chair which he flung himself on, pulling a nearby chain and dousing himself with a pail of water-

Wait, _what_? Isn't that Flashdance or some crap? …Okay, moving on!

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH_!!"

Far away in the lonely mountains, a lone scream rang out from the inner confines of an old, abandoned temple, throwing the crappy wooden doors open and knocking a few off their hinges. As the cry petered out, silence reigned over the temple and surrounding forest, as even the birds and insects quieted in fear.

"I…I'm sorry!" Ryu, the main character of Street Fighter, called out awkwardly from inside the old temple to no-one in particular, as he was quite alone. "I…I didn't mean it! My bad! Here, I'll…" He stood up and went to one of the doors, attempting to affix them back on their hinges, but they just toppled right over again. "Aw, _crap_. Just…uh…put it on my tab, or…something."

He stood there quietly for several seconds, then bolted toward the trees. Truth be told, he had no money, and what little precious currency he did have SO wasn't gonna be wasted on stupid temple doors.

-The Next Day-

The next day, in some sunny, lazy coastal town, a young girl with short brown hair and Japanese school uniform sat with her friend on a bench, talking excitedly.

"-And then he punched him, and there was so much blood, and I was all like, 'Cool!', and then he yanked out his spinal cord, and I was all like, 'COOL!', and then-"

"Sakura," her pale-faced friend interrupted. "Please…stop…talking about that. Can't we just go into town and shop for clothes and do other clichéd girly crap?"

"Bah, no thanks!" Sakura snorted and tossed her head. "I'm doing special training today!"

"Wow, like sparring?" Her friend asked curiously.

"Hell no! Eating hot-dogs!"

"…What?"

"Yeah, you know!" Sakura nodded to herself as she went on. "You ever see that one Asian dude on Spike TV? He sucks those things up like a freaking vacuum! He…is so…COOL."

"…You need help, bitch." The other girl stated after a long moment.

"Why are we friends again?" Sakura asked suddenly.

"Contract specifications," the other girl said, taking a sip of her soda.

"Oh yeah right."

Close by the two chatting girls, Ryu stood at a metal railing overlooking the sea, the salty waves crashing and churning below. Ryu stared out at them, brooding darkly.

"Akuma…" he said to himself in a quiet tone of voice. "He uses the Dark Hadou…he also killed his own master, and my-_BLAAAAAAARGH_!" He suddenly doubled over the railing and heaved up his latest meal. "Eugh, even the sea _air_ makes me sick…" Seagulls screamed and quickly swooped down on the inviting vomit. "_Ewww_- hey that's kinda cool…"

Elsewhere at the moment, but still kinda close-by I guess (?!!), a small boy-child with unruly brown hair and scrawny limbs arrived at the very temple Ryu had been in last night. An old monk was sweeping the temple grounds and looked up curiously at the new arrival.

"I'm here to see my big brother!" The boy said proudly. The old monk raised a busy eyebrow.

"…Do you mean my penis?"

The boy stared at the monk for several seconds, then shot back down the steps of the temple as fast as his little legs could go.

"Wait, no! Come back! Damn, lost another one!" The elderly monk threw his broom down in frustration.

Back in town, a lovely Chinese bun-headed woman was busy beating the hell out of crime – literally. Chun Li leapt around buildings, defeating evil-doers with well-placed kicks and punches. She whirled around and punched the last goon in the gut, then grabbed him by the shirt and hauled him close.

"WHO SENT YOU?!!" She hollered in his face.

"No-one! I'm just a passerby!"

Chun-Li suddenly realized she was holding an old woman.

"…Oh. Sorry." She nervously released the woman and edged around her.

"Damn Asians and their squinty eyes…" The old lady muttered to herself as she tottered away clutching her purse. Chun-Li made a lunge at her back but was restrained by her blond partner, Wallace.

"No, don't, Chun-Li!" He begged, barely holding her back. "It's not worth it! They'll suspend you again!"

On the street down below, several of the criminals had escaped Chun-Li's wrath and grabbed a kid to use as a hostage. This didn't last for long, as Ryu quickly flipped down from above to save the poor child, Sakura and her friend gasping at the sight of the spectacle.

"Hyaaa-_BLARRRGH_!" Vomit rained down on the bad guy as Ryu landed awkwardly on his feet and staggered a bit. "Sorry, man…the sea air just _does_ stuff to me, and-"

The puke-covered man pulled out a gun and opened fire.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

"Well that was just _rude_," Ryu stated, dodging a few bullets before knocking the man out with a flurry of blows. Chun-Li gasped as the man's unconscious body landed next to her, then kicked it in the side.

"…That's for calling me Asian!"

"No he didn't-"

"Shut up, Wallace!" Chun-Li looked up and gasped again. One last criminal had pulled out a gun and was aiming at Ryu's vulnerable backside. "Look out!"

"_Hyaaaaaaa_!" Ryu whirled around, punches flying in the air, kicks swinging upward. He stepped back and waited as-

"…You didn't even touch me!" The criminal barked out.

"Oh. Oops." Ryu blinked, stared at him for a moment, then head-butted him into a coma. "…Anyone got some pepto?" He asked aloud, rubbing his tummy and looking around.

-Later, at Headquarters-

Later that day, Chun-Li and Wallace had returned to police headquarters to lock up the hooligans and go over their new assignment. Apparently they were after a bad guy named Sadler who ran a criminal organization called Shadowlaw, but Chun-Li had more important things to do at the moment, namely look for information on Ryu!

"Damn, I can't find anything on this guy!" Chun-Li muttered, scouring Google and Myspace for any info. "Come on…a-ha! Found something!" She clicked on a link and was instantly taken to a site which displayed a sexy picture of Ryu, shirtless and well-oiled. "…What the hell kind of site is this? Who made it? 'Ken the Master'? Who is that?"

"Hey, Chun-Li, I just got the files for-" Wallace stepped into her office and froze once he caught sight of her computer screen. Chun-Li stared at him.

"What? No, wait, I wasn't-"

Wallace slowly backed out the door and closed it behind him.

"I…I wasn't doing anything!!" Chun-Li paused, then quickly turned around and saved the picture to her documents. "It's just for _reference_, is all!"

-With Ryu-

Ryu, meanwhile, was in the midst of a large forest, climbing ancient, weather-beaten steps toward an unknown destination. The wind blew roughly, causing leaves to swirl around him, and a strange blue tarot card suddenly danced into sight upon the wind and dropped into his pail of water.

"Huh? What's this?" Ryu looked down in confusion. "Gawd, get offa me, Miss Cleo!" As he snatched up the offending card, the wind blew even more fiercely, leaves scattering everywhere and a strange vision taking over Ryu. A pale-haired and strangely-dressed woman appeared before him, blocking his path.

"Miss Cleo, you've lost weight," Ryu stated, cocking an eyebrow at the woman. "…And color."

"Hush, I am not Miss Cleo, my name is Rose!" The mysterious woman chided. "I have come to tell you something about your future-"

"Aww, and you lost your accent, too!" Ryu complained. "And that was my favorite part!"

The Rose woman stared at him for a moment, considering.

"If I do the accent, will you listen?" She asked. Ryu thought for a moment.  
"YES."

"Alright then." Rose cleared his throat and continued, this time with a heavy Jamaican accent. "Yoo'll soon meet someone whoo will shape ya destiny, and ya'll change!" She finished, a smug smile on her face. Ryu stared at her blankly.

"That…that's it? That's my fortune?" He asked incredulously. "How *_bleep_*ing vague is THAT? It could mean _anything_! I want my money back, Cleo!!" He lunged at Rose, but too late.

"Er…sorry, no refunds!" She coughed, then disappeared.

"Dammit! Knew she was a fraud…Rose…" Ryu muttered to himself and began climbing the stairs again.

"Rose?" A scandalized voice from behind him asked. "Who's that, the whore who's stealing you away from me?"

"Oh. LORD." Ryu squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, then turned around with a fake smile plastered on his face. "Ken! It's great to see you! How've you been?"

Ken Masters, Ryu's best friend (and latent homosexual stalker), stood below him on the steps, dressed smartly in a suit with a small bundle of flowers.

"Hey, buddy!" He said with a wink. "I brought these flowers for the person I admire most."

"Ken, that's really nice of you!" Ryu said, surprised. "You came all the way out here to give flowers to the M-"

Ken handed him the flowers.

"-e." Ryu finished awkwardly, taking the bundle. "Er…I'll just…put them on Master Gouken's grave."

"Oh, fine! Play hard to get!" The two of them continued up the steps until they reached the summit, where an old, cracked tombstone sat, obviously the grave-marker of their late Master, Gouken.

"So, you came all the way here to visit the grave?" Ryu asked, looking up at his friend, who shrugged.

"No, I had other business to check out, mostly your _ass_-"

"Huh?"

"Nothing." Ken tossed his long pony-tail over his shoulder. "Here, I'll go get some lube so we can do it."

"What?"

"I said I'll go get some water so we can do it right."

"…Oh. Okay." Ryu watched him warily as he skipped back down the steps and out of sight. As silence filled the air and peace returned to the area, Ryu suddenly gasped in pain and clutched his chest. "Gahh! No, not again…not…_heartburn_!!" He groaned in agony and fell to his knees. "I knew I shouldn't have eaten that burrito! Damn…Mexican food!"

Down on the path below, Ken stopped skipping and sniffed at the air, eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Hmm…man-senses…tingling! My man needs me!" He quickly turned on his heel and dashed back up the stairs to find Ryu lying on the ground, unconscious. "Hey! Snap out of it! Who did this to you?!" Ken looked up at that moment and caught sight of the scruffy-looking kid from before, who'd just appeared nearby. "IT WAS YOU!!" Ken leapt at the boy, fists clenched.

*WHACK! CRACK! POW!*

"Owwie!" Ken fell to the ground, both eyes blackened and missing a tooth. "Ryu, that brat hit me! Help!"

-Later…-

Later that day, once Ryu had regained consciousness and Ken now had cold-packs on both eyes, the trio had returned to the run-down temple to figure out where the heck the story was going.

"You're his little brother?" Ken asked incredulously, looking between the boy, who revealed his name to be Shun, and Ryu. "You seriously expect us to believe that bullcrap?" He glanced at Ryu and looked him in the eye. "Come on, man. Test him or something!"

"Ken's right," Ryu told Shun, looking him up and down. "If you're really my brother…" Ryu crossed his arms, thinking, "what's our mother's name?"

"Uh…" Shun thought for a moment. "Mom?"

"Well _I'm_ convinced!" Ryu declared, then sat down next to Shun and ruffled his hair. Ken made a loud noise that sounded like an inverted fart.

"If you still don't believe me, here's proof!" Shun reached into his pocket and withdrew an old, tattered picture. Ken snatched it away and peered closely at it.

"Hey, she's not bad lookin'!" He whistled, raising a brow at the person in the picture, who held hands with a chibi-Ryu.

"…That's our _dad_," Shun said quietly.

"Oh. I…uh…knew that." Ken handed the picture back to him, then turned to Ryu once again. "Look, Ryu, you can't possibly believe-"

Shun started bawling.

"Okay, okay!! You're his brother, gawd!!" Ken sat down and covered his face with his hands. "I'm so damn _horny_…"

"Yay, _brothers_!" Ryu and Shun sang, throwing their arms around one another and giggling.

Over the next few days, Shun hung out with the two companions, putting, as Ken called it, a major cramp in his style.

"Why do you have to eat with us?" Ken stated contemptuously, eyeing Shun as he sat between him and Ryu, devouring their meals.

"Because I'm his lil' brother!" Shun smirked. Ryu just smiled.

"Why do you have to _sleep_ with us?" Ken stated contemptuously, eyeing Shun as he lay between him and Ryu, snoring like a jackhammer.

"Because I'm his lil' brother," Shun snorted in his sleep.

"Why do you have to BATHE with us?" Ken stated in exasperation, glaring at Shun as he sat in the small bath with the other two men, creating a small barrier between Ken and Ryu.

"Because I asked him to," Ryu replied.

"Oh, well that figures." Ken turned around and began to pout. "Damn kid. You are _seriously_ cramping my style!"

"Aw, shut up, ya big 'mo!" Shun snapped, splashing Ken in the face.

"Why you!! I'll throw you to the old man!!" Ken hissed. Ryu kicked them both out and enjoyed a rather peaceful soak in the tub.

-Later…-

Later that week, with the bickering, eating, and bathing all done, the two boys and one idiot (you can guess which one that is) gathered on the sea shore to frolic in the salty surf as the sun rose.

"Well…I'm going in for a dip. Anyone care to join me?" Ken said seductively, taking off his shirt. Ryu and Shun were too busy making a sand-castle to notice. "You both suck!!" Just then a rather large wave came and knocked him off his feet. "Ow ow ow jellyfish on my nipples!" Ken came scrambling back onto the sand, panting for breath as he sat near the two siblings. He glared at Shun. "So…" He began, "Wait, who's your mother then? Your dad couldn't have had you all alone…unless he was GAY." He stared at Shun for several seconds. "_Ohmygod_ _please tell me he was maybe it runs in the family_-"

Ryu clapped a hand over his friend's mouth to shut him up good.

"It doesn't matter to me," he told Shun quietly. "Mother, father, brother-"

"Lover!" Ken piped up.

Ryu snapped his neck.

"…Let's spar!" He said suddenly.

"Yay, brotherly bonding!" Shun sang, skipping over Ken's unconscious body and running into the clear waves to spar with his brother.

-Meanwhile…-

As the two brothers continued to spar against one another, Sakura was running around town, desperate to find Ryu. After seeing him fight with (and puke on) the criminals from the other day, she was determined to train with him.

"Mister, where ARE you?!!" Sakura bellowed in the streets, looking left and right with no luck. Everyone just kinda gave her funny looks, but that was pretty normal for her.

"Stop acting like a creepy stalker!" Sakura's friend complained. "Act like a _regular_ stalker and try to Google him and find out his number and address and stuff! It'll be a lot easier than running around town like this!"

"No, that's part of the training!" Sakura insisted. "I have to find that guy!! He had on one of _these_!" She pointed at herself firmly. Her friend stared.

"…A skirt?"

"NO! A _headband_!!" Sakura clarified. "I wanna be just like him! Hya! Ya!" She threw a few punches, then accidentally kicked her friend in the face. "Oh. Oops. Sorry. My bad." She paused, then turned and ran off. "Where ARE you?!"

-Back at the Temple-

Back at the run-down temple, Shun tottered up onto the rickety roof, joining an already seated Ken and Ryu and handing them bowls of stew.

"Why can't you just _fall_ you little bastard?" Ken muttered to himself as Shun somehow managed to keep his precarious footing.

"What?"

"I mean…yeah, I MEAN why can't you just _fall_ you little-"

Ryu shoved him off the roof. Shun took the now-empty space next to his brother and watched the sun set with him. More brotherly bonding!

That night, as the three of them lay in bed, Ryu was awakened by more burning, painful sensations from his chest. It was…another attack of the dreaded Heart Burn! Oh, no!

"_Aaaaugh_…it was…those pork and beans!" Ryu gagged, struggling to his feet and stumbling out of the temple. Moments later, Ken woke.

"Mm, Ryu? You're so soft and squishy…" he opened his eyes and realized he was hugging a pillow. "SON OF A-" He leapt to his feet and dashed out after his best friend/ unwilling love interest.

Ryu was staggering about the forest, face warped into a beast-like mask from the burning pain. He began growling and snarling, clutching a hand to his chest all the while.

"So…hot! It…_burns_!" He choked out, then threw back his head and howled.

"Whoa! _Some_body needs a hug!" Ken stated, running up. "This dark Ki…it must be…Heart Burn! The poor bastard! Snap out of it!" Rushing up to the struggling Ryu, he gave him a good, hard punch right in the gut. "Come on! Snap out of it, or…or…I'll kiss you!"

"Alright, I'm okay now!!" Ryu said quickly, having regained his senses. "Heart Burn…over."

"…You sure?" Ken leaned in close.

"YES! Positive!!" Ryu barked, holding him back.

"Maybe I should just kiss you to make sure-"

"NO! GET OFF!"

Shun stood watching the spectacle from the shadow of a nearby tree.

"Gawd, you're so GAY."

"That's it! You're goin' to the old man, brat!!"

Ryu winced as a sudden image of Akuma, the dreadful Dark Hadou user, flashed across his mind.

"Ken," Ryu gulped. "If…if I have such bad Heart Burn again…I…I want you to be the one…"

"Okay." Ken nodded sagely. "I will gladly fu-"

"I mean KILL me!!" Ryu sputtered. Ken frowned.

"…Oh." He paused. "But then I can't fu-"

"Change the *_bleep_*ing scene already, GEEZ!!"

-At the Police Headquarters-

Back at the Police Headquarters, Chun-Li was having a small meeting with her partner, Wallace, about Sadler's newest movements.

"Sadler, the head of Shadowlaw," Wallace was saying, "is coming to Japan. There's a Street-Fighting Competition in Kabootie Town-"

"What? Kabootie? Don't you mean Kabuki?" Chun-Li stared at him. "…Did you just hit on me?"

"Huh? No!" Wallace protested. "What I meant to say was…okay, well, yes, maybe a little, but only because you're wearing those damn _spandex_ today! Feel like I'm going _blind_…" He forced his eyes away from the spandex-clad crotch of Chun-Li, which was very much like a black hole (no pun intended).

"What? They're _slimming_!" Chun-Li argued, blushing slightly.

-Back At the Temple-

Back at the crappy temple, Ken was busy training for the upcoming tournament…by fighting trees.

"Oh, yeah!" He gloated, punching one. "If I can beat this _tree_, a Street Fighting Tournament should be a piece of cake!" A nut fell from one of the upper branches and conked him on the head (imagine a loud, hollow sound). "OWWIE! I give up!" Ken burst into tears and stumbled away from the mean ol' tree.

"Don't worry, I'll win for you," Ryu sighed. Shun suddenly ran up to his side, a headband like his brothers cinched around his noggin.

"Hey, I wanna join, too! Please please please!!" He begged, hopping up and down.

"No, you two have to be my cheer-leaders!" Ken protested, crossing his arms huffily. "I had the costumes all planned out and everything! Especially yours, Ryu, it comes with a thong-"

"NO." Ryu said firmly. Ken deflated. Shun's headband suddenly came loose and slipped down his face. "Here, I'll show you how to tie it properly." Ryu stood before his brother and untied his own headband to demonstrate. Dramatic music began to play and the wind picked up. "When I tie this on…" Ryu said as he began doing so, "I always ask my body this question: Am I worthy…of this fight?"

Shun stared at his brother, impressed beyond word. Then he frowned.

"Um…it's a bow."

"Wha? Oops." Ryu flushed and quickly retied it.

"_I_ thought it was cute," Ken stated from the back.

"You would!" Shun barked.

On the steps leading up to the derelict shrine, Sakura and her friend dashed up the steps, still in search of Ryu and his magical headband. Well, Sakura was the one doing the actual running, as her friend had recently lost consciousness and it was just easier to drag her around on a rope, really.

"Whee! Come on, hurry! I'm sure he's here somewhere!!" Sakura cried, taking three steps with each stride.

"Why…are we…friends again?" The pitiful friend croaked. Finally the two reached the top, where the same elderly monk was sweeping the steps again.

"Hmm? Oh, they left already," he told Sakura when she'd asked for Ryu. "They're headed for Kabuki town, but you're more than welcome to stay here with me and my pe-"

"Time to go!!" Sakura interrupted, clearly sensing a pervert and dashing back down the stairs, friend's body still in tow. The old man scowled and swore.

"Damn…not again…"

-End of Part One-

Disclaimer: I don't own Street Fighter.

Author's Note: Wow, this thing's gonna be pretty long. Around thirty pages in all, if I'm not mistaken. So, to make things easier, I'll just split 'em up into three parts of about ten pages each. Expect the next part in a week or so (it takes a while to type these ma's out). Thanks for reading! Later!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Whee, part two. Not like anyone cares but me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Street Fighter.

Street Fighter Beta

Part 2

Ryu and his little brat of a brother Shun trotted through the deserted, dirty streets of Kabuki town, looking high and low for the location of the street-fighting tournament they'd caught wind of. Ken had broken from the group earlier, stating he had to hit the ladies room to 'freshen up' before the tournament. Ryu and Shun were just grateful he'd gone and so didn't ask any questions (not like they wanted to know either way). As the search continued, Shun lost patience and ran forward to kick an empty can, which bounced up the road with loud clangs.

"Hey!" Ryu said sharply. "That is a five cents _returnable_! Gimme that!" He snatched up the abused can, crushed it in one fist, and stuffed it into his pocket. Shun raised a brow at his brother's miserly antics.

"Man, you're cheap."

"Hush." Ryu gave him a look. "Now go look in the gutters for more."

Three large thugs suddenly appeared before the duo. Ryu glared at Shun.

"I said find cans, not hobos!"

"This isn't my fault!"

The thugs leapt forward and attacked, Ryu and Shun obligingly reciprocating. And in case you couldn't understand what I just said, they fought back.

"Horray, brotherly violence! This is so healthy!!" Shun sang, smacking his thug around like a pimp with his whore, a birthday-boy with his piñata, a- okay, you get the picture, he's beatin' the _hell_ outta this guy. Ryu quickly intervened as his brother became too violent and clearly enjoying the pain he was causing the bitch- I mean thug.

"Shun!" Ryu stepped forward, snatched Shun up, and flipped him over his knee. "DON'T – TREAT – PEOPLE – LIKE – _THAT_!!" He shouted, punctuating each shout with a resounding smack on Shun's deserving rump. Finally he placed him back on his feet and stared sternly into his face. "Now go think about what you just did!" There was a pause. "And find me some more cans while you're at it."

"Y…yes, big brother," Shun agreed, sniffling and tottering off in search of cans. As Ryu watched him go, a figure appeared behind him. Ryu turned his head and blinked.

"Hello, who are- CAMEL TOE!!"

"Nice to meet you, too," Chun-Li replied, narrowing her eyes.

-Elsewhere in Kabuki Town-

Elsewhere in Kabuki Town, Sakura had finally ditched her pathetic friend and was wandering the dangerous town all on her lonesome (she's an idiot). At a loss, she finally entered a dingy bar, where she asked the bartender if he knew the location of the street-fighting tournament.

"Hey, we'll show ya, girly," a trio of perverts snickered, sauntering up behind her. "Don't worry, come with us!"

Sakura stared at the pedophiles incredulously for several long moments.

"I hope to _God_ Dateline with Chris Hanson is in here somewhere," she said finally.

"Nope, but you get the next best thing!" A voice called out of thin air. "ME!" The nearby phone-booth door crashed open, and Ken somersaulted out, pummeling the perverts with his righteous fists of fury. When it was all over, he straightened and smirked down at them. "Have a _seat_, please."

-At the Tournament-

Meanwhile, Chun-Li had led Ryu and Shun to the location of the tournament, and the three of them, along with Wallace but he doesn't really matter because he's a wimp, had entered a large, dilapidated building.

"I'm Chun-Li," the bun-headed Asian introduced herself, "and I'm from- for heaven's sake, will you _please_ stop staring at my crotch?"

"It's not a good idea," Wallace whispered, leaning close to Ryu. "You'll go _blind_."

"He will not!" Chun-Li snapped, rolling her eyes and stalking forward onto a rather rickety-looking elevator. "Men…can't handle spandex pants…" The two men and one child entered the elevator as well, and after a moment, it began to rise with many groans and shrieks.

"Oh, Wallace, control yourself!" Chun-Li sighed, glaring down at her partner, who lay on the floor of the elevator curled in fetal position, groaning and shrieking in terror.

"Can't!" He choked out. "Scared of…elevators! Mommy, help!" He broke into sobs and covered his eyes. As Shun crept close and began poking him, Chun-Li decided to change the subject.

"So…you're fighting, too?" She asked Ryu, who shook his head.

"Um…no."

"What, you're just a spectator?"

"…More like a cheer-leader," Ryu muttered under his breath.

"Pardon?"

"…Forget it."

The ancient elevator finally ground to a halt at the top floor of the building, and the four of them filed out (well, Ryu and Chun-Li had to drag Wallace out by his ankles, but they got out alright!). As they walked down the hall and entered a cavernous, dark room, lights suddenly snapped on, illuminating the darkness and focusing right on…

Chun-Li's crotch.

"Okay, that's _twice_ now!" Ryu complained, shielding Shun's eyes from the psyche-damaging sight. "Can't you do anything about it?"

"Leave me alone, I've tried!!" Chun-Li growled, dancing out of the spotlight's range.

Outside the building, Ken led Sakura to the site, following Ryu's manly scent like a hound dog after a coon.

"Hey, what's the deal?" Sakura asked, screeching to a halt when Ken led her into an empty lot. She stared at him uneasily. "You…you're not planning on raping me back here, are you?"

"Bitch, _please_," Ken drawled, rolling his eyes. "Maybe if you were _male_."

"Oh thank God you're a fairy-"

Back inside the building, recognizable fighters like Vega (and I don't know the other's name, guess he's not that recognizable, huh?) battled it out on a large chunk of rock that served as an arena illuminated by spotlights, while spectators stood at the sidelines, cheering and booing to their heart's content. The camera spun around to show-

"What the…will you get OUT of there?!" Chun-Li smacked the camera (and camera-men) away from her crotch and scowled. "That is three times! Three! I'm keeping count from now on!"

"Here, I'll write it down for you!" Ryu offered, pulling out a pad of paper and jotting it down. "Three…crotch shots…so far."

"Gee, thanks." Chun-Li's voice dripped with sarcasm.

"Welkies." Ryu stowed the pad of paper away and winked at her.

In the arena, Vega had triumphed as the victor of the match, mauling the other fighter viciously with his hand-claw thing. Chun-Li gasped in horror and looked away.

"Ryu, make sure to cover Shun's-"

"You see that, Shun, how he goes for the jugular like that?" Ryu was telling his brother, leaning close and pointing at the blood-bath taking place in the arena. "Now _that's_ an athlete."

"Cool!!"

"…Should NOT have asked…" Chun-Li sighed and gave up.

As the now blood-covered Vega exited the arena and the rest of his opponent was hosed off the floor, another warrior entered the stage, itching for a fight. It was Zangief (I believe), the huge, hairy ox of a man, who threw back his head and laughed uproariously when Shun stepped forward as his opponent.

"Wha…you told me you had to go pee!!" Ryu barked at him from the sidelines. "You'd better win or you owe me one _million_ cans!!"

"Way to cheer me on, brother." Shun rolled his eyes, then launched himself at Zangief. The fight had begun.

"Hey, hey, I'm here!" Ken sang as he finally arrived. "Alright, I'm just in time to see some hot man-on-man action!" He grinned, looked at the arena, and his grin immediately committed suicide. "What the…it's just that brat Shun and some huge, hairy ox! _Booo_-ring!" He slumped down on the ground and began to pout.

The battle between the titan and dwarf raged on. At one point Zangief gained the upper hand, and Ken was quick to voice his preference.

"Yeaaah! Go, man, beat his bratty ass! Kill him!!" Ryu shot him a scathing glare. "…I mean go Shun!" Ken sat back down.

As Shun began to lose the match, a dark, heavy air surrounded him, stifling everyone's breath and causing a sense of foreboding. It was…the Dark Hadou! But even with that forbidden power, Shun still continued to lose, until finally Ryu could stand it no more. Leaping into the arena, he ran forward and gave Zangief a mighty kick, throwing him off his brother and saving him from harm.

"Bro…ther…" Shun whispered, gazing up in adoration.

"One million cans." Ryu told him levelly. "Get crackin'."

"I hate you."

"Where are your manners? I'm your elder brother," Ryu lectured. "It's, 'I hate you, _please_.'. Now- GAAHH!!"

Ryu was suddenly ambushed from behind by Zangief, who'd gotten back to his feet and was now taking out his pent-up anger on Ryu, which was not only quite unhealthy for his inner self but not really fair to Ryu either.

"Do…do you want me to help you?" Shun croaked in confusion, still on the ground. "Or…go look for cans?"

"What do you _think_?!" Ryu sputtered, still struggling to fight off Zangief.

"I think I'll use the Dark Hadou again. Whee!" Shun was once again surrounded by darkness, the gravity around him distorting from the evil power. Zangief was quickly hypnotized by the light, and like a big, stupid bug, wandered over and began laying the smack-down once again on Shun.

"Good Lord, what is this, the tag-team of shame?" Ryu growled and staggered back to his feet. "Hold on, Shun, I'll save you…" He began using the Dark Hadou as well, his breath deepening, his eyes glowing red, and a few other sinister side-effects occurring.

"Okay," Chun-Li finally spoke up from the sidelines, "this Dark Hadou power seems pretty damn _useless_ to me." She crossed her arms and went on. "All it does is make your hair float, your eyes glow red, and you just stand there breathing really heavily. You can do all that just from inhaling car fumes." She paused. "Or heart burn."

Ryu suddenly let out a great cry and shot a beam of energy from his hands, decimating a good portion of the building into rubble.

"…Except for that," Chun-Li stated, ducking to avoid falling boulders. "_That's_ pretty useful."

Miles away, in his evil lab, the evil Sadler watched the result of the fight with barely-restrained evil glee.

"The Dark Hadou…I must have that power!" He broke off to giggle maniacally and do other clichéd bad-guy stuff, like rub his hands together and count his money.

As the building finally stopped collapsing around them, Chun-Li struggled up into a sitting position and gave a sigh of relief.

"Phew, that was a close one. We almost- will you get OUT of here?!" She batted the camera away from her lady parts once again and swore. "That's four! Four, four, four!!" She paused. "Where's Ryu? I gotta find him, he has to write it down for me before I forget. Ryu? Heeeey! Where are you Ryu?" She moved away deeper into the destruction as the camera zoomed in on her ass. "I said STOP!!"

"Owwie!" Sakura sniffled, sitting up and wincing in pain. She and Ken had also survived the explosion. "That was- HEY!! What the heck is wrong with you?! I'm, like, _twelve_!!" She punched the camera away from her underage crotch and yanked her skirt down. "GEEZ!"

"Sorry," Ken apologized. "I was just trying to visualize Ryu wearing it. You okay?"

"Um…" Sakura tried to move, but flinched in pain once again. "Ow! I hurt my leg."

"Hm?" Ken crouched down next to her and felt her leg like it was a prom date. "Yup…yup, that's _definitely_ broken."

"…Uh…actually, it's my _other_ leg that hurts." Sakura stated.

"…I knew that."

"Can you stop touching me now?"

"Shh! I'm imaging you're Ryu. Don't ruin it."

"GET OFF, HOMO!!"

Meanwhile, in the epicenter of the destruction, Ryu swung an arm forward and caught Shun before his brother could plummet into one of the many gaping chasms that'd opened up all over the floor.

"Where did you learn to use the Dark Hadou?" He demanded once he'd brought the boy to a safer location. "Tell me!"

"…From…Oprah?" Shun answered uncertainly.

"_What_?!" Ryu sputtered. "How could- ah, well, it IS possible when Oprah is involved." He shrugged and considered the possibilities. "But seriously, where did you learn it from?"

"…From dad." Shun replied. Ryu frowned.

BAM!

Ryu whirled around to find a huge, hulking man with white hair and a long, dark coat standing behind him.

"Hmm…let me guess," Ryu said, eyes narrowing. "You're NOT here to redeem my cans, are you?" The huge man slowly shook his head back and forth. "Then let's _fight_!!" The two meat-heads hurled themselves at one another and began battling. As the fight wore on, it became painfully clear that Ryu was in deep crap. His punches and kicks were landing, but to no avail, as the huge man wasn't even getting scratched. As a matter of fact, he stepped back and fired a laser at Ryu. Who does that? Who fires a frickin' _laser_ beam at someone? That's just _low_, man. So low.

Chun-Li was climbing through the destruction, stilling whispering "Four, four, four," to herself so she wouldn't forget, and-

"HEY! That's five now! Gotta remember! Five, five, five…"

Ken stood next to the injured Sakura, looking nervous and scared.

"This is too dangerous for me and my bangin' hair. Laters!" He turned to leave.

"Wait, what about _me_?!" Sakura wailed, still unable to move. Ken glanced over his shoulder at her.

"Ladies always come first in my book," he told her with a wink. "And by ladies, I mean me! Bye!" And he dashed off to find the exit.

"_Fairy_!!" Sakura hurled after him, then flopped down onto her front and began crawling across the floor to find a way out.

"Ryu! There you are!" Chun-Li had finally found him and hurried to join his fight with the hulking meat-mountain. Even with their powers combined, they still couldn't leave a dent on the man. Just as the man drew back a fist to strike Ryu, Shun leapt in the way and so valiantly protected his brother from harm. …Are…are we supposed to care? Cuz I sure don't. *_Shrugs_*

"Shun, no!" Ryu gasped, watching his brother fall to the ground in agony. "You bastard!!" He rounded on the enemy, eyes glowing red, breath deepening as he used the Dark Hadou.

"You see?" Chun-Li complained loudly from beside him. "That IS all it makes you do! And STOP that already! _Six_!!"

Ryu, a dark haze surrounding him from the Dark Hadou's effects, cupped his hands together and gathered energy between his palms. It grew quickly, and after several seconds, he flung the power straight at the huge man, blowing him to smithereens…and the building, too. Nice going, Ryu. Way to blow up the building _again_.

As the building shook and more parts crumbled away, Ryu collapsed to the ground, exhausted. Nearby, a metal red eye clunked to the ground, the only thing left from the enemy he'd been facing seconds before. Ryu weakly stretched out an arm and picked it up, then slipped it into his pocket.

"I…can probably get…five cents…for this…"

-A Few Minutes Later-

Not long after, Ryu had recovered enough from his battle to sit up and have an inner monologue.

"I used the Dark Hadou…" he thought to himself miserably. "Am I becoming like Akuma?" A helicopter suddenly appeared out of nowhere and picked up Shun's unconscious body, but Ryu was too busy brooding to notice. Finally Chun-Li dashed up to him and startled him back to his senses.

"Akuma…why- CAMEL TOE!" Ryu jerked awake and shook his head. "Huh? What's going on, what's happening?"

"Ryu, now is NOT the time for your little self-doubting inner monologue!" Chun-Li barked at him. "There are much more important things to do right now! Like write down more tallies for my crotch shots! I'm up to six already! Hurry, write it down!"

"God, six? We're not even half-way through the movie yet!" Ryu looked bewildered as he pulled out his pad of paper and wrote down the number. "Those perverted animators…"

"Oh, and Shun's been kidnapped."

"Wow, really? Would you like the number six or Roman Numerals? Or perhaps tallies?"

-Later That Night-

Only later that night did the gravity of the situation hit Ryu. He was all alone now, Ken having disappeared in the destruction of the building, Chun-Li getting tired of him yelling 'Camel Toe' and leaving, and Shun, being kidnapped. He had nothing left now. Ryu wandered the streets of Kabuki town, ignoring the rain and darkness of the night. Hell, he didn't even stop to pick up any cans – _that's_ how upset he was.

To make things worse, several punks began picking on him, beating him up, stealing his wallet, dogs barking at him, girlfriend dumping him- okay, you get the picture, Ryu is damn _pathetic_ right now.

Ryu slumped against an alley wall and sighed. There was nothing for him now. His best friend/potential rapist was gone, his (fake?) brother was gone, his-

"CAMEL TOE!" Ryu blurted aloud before he could stop himself. Standing before him, Chun-Li glared and crossed her arms.

"Good evening to you, too," she said coldly.

"Lord, bitch," Ryu stated, half-heartedly covering his eyes with one hand. "Spandex _and_ rain? You have NO modesty."

"You're just jealous," Chun-Li snapped, then whirled around and kicked at the camera-man behind her. "And you get away from my ass!" She turned back to Ryu and held out a hand. "Come on. Come with me." Ryu sighed and obliged.

Chun-Li took Ryu back to police headquarters, where they dried him off, warmed him up, and got him to talk about the Dark Hadou and its menacing powers.

"The Dark Hadou…so _that's_ what Sadler's after…" Chun-Li murmured, standing before Ryu as he drank from a mug of hot cocoa. "If that's the case, Shun's probably there, too…" She stopped and looked at Ryu. "Anything else?"

"I…" Ryu sniffled, tears coming to his eyes. "I also have abandonment issues." Chun-Li sighed and sat back down.

-At the Hospital-

Meanwhile, Sakura had managed to crawl down the remnants of the building and reach a nearby hospital, where she was admitted for her broken leg and bleeding stumps of arms. Now she reclined in a cozy hospital bed, playing a Gameboy and muttering swears under her breath.

"Knock, knock!" Ken sang, suddenly sticking his head into the room. Sakura shrieked like a bat and whipped the Gameboy out the window with a crash and tinkle. Then she turned and smiled innocently at Ken.

"Hell-o!" She sang back. Ken made a face and took a step inside.

"…I would ask how you're doing but suddenly I don't really care," he admitted, rubbing the back of his head. "Seeing as how you're not male and not Ryu."

There was an awkward pause.

"Do I have to change your bedpan or anything?"

"NO!" Sakura hollered, chucking it at his head.

"Eww, I _do_!"

-Back With Ryu-

Ryu was back to brooding in the darkened room Chun-Li had shown him to. He sat on a chair, mind swirling with thoughts and doubts.

"Will I turn into Akuma?" Ryu thought, a thread of fear entering his heart. "No, I don't want to! I don't want gravity-defying hair, and I like my eyebrows! No, no! Help me!"

As if by magic (or creepy stalker powers), Rose appeared before him, pale hair shining and smiling mysteriously.

"I can see your-" She began.

"Cleo! You're back!" Ryu interrupted. "And I didn't even have to call your number or _anything_!" He paused. "Wait, this is gonna cost me, isn't it? …Do you accept _cans_?"

"Shut up and listen!!" Rose barked. "Your heart has lost its way, just as Shun's has. You must save him from the darkness, and-"

"You're not doing the accent," Ryu said tightly.

"Oh, mother of…" Rose cleared her throat and tossed her hair before continuing in a heavy Jamaican accent. "De dahkness or de light, it's up tah yoo tah choose!" She paused for a moment. "That'll be ten _thousand_ dollars."

"Ten thou- you fraud!!" Ryu hollered as she faded from view. "Get BACK here!!" He angrily shot a Hadouken at her dissolving form, but instead hit the window behind her, shattering it and sending splintered glass shards flying.

"Ryu!!" Chun-Li burst into the room, eyes widening at the sight of Ryu in distress and the ruined window. "Oh, we are SO sticking you with the bill!"

"I have to go save Shun!" Ryu decided, standing up with determination. "But there's somewhere I have to go first…"

"The Redemption Center?" Chun-Li asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, not the Redem- okay, yes, the Redemption Center, but somewhere else too!!"

-Later…-

"Yes, hello?" Ken spoke into the phone a bit more forcefully than necessary. "I'm looking for my would-be lover, Ryu. Here's a lengthy description of what he looks likes naked: He's got pecks like Pamela Anderson-"

"I know who he is, buddy," Wallace thankfully interrupted from the other line, which was located at the police headquarters, "but he isn't here. He left a short while ago with Chun-Li to go do something." There was a pause. "Probably each other."

"That camel-toe SLUT!!" Ken roared. "They could have at least asked if I wanted to _join in_!!" He slammed the phone down on the hook and stormed away in fury.

-Elsewhere-

Meanwhile, Ryu and Chun-Li had indeed embarked on a journey, but not to get friendly, for something even more important! As the boat they'd been traveling on finally docked on a small, unknown island, Ryu staggered down the ramp, his front covered in freshly-spewed vomit.

"I…_hate_…boats…" he gurgled. Chun-Li shoved past him, the front of her own clothes also decorated with regurgitated food. "I _said_ I was sorry!" Ryu called after her.

The two of them, after cleaning their clothes and forming a truce once again, delved deeper into the topography of the island, apparently searching for something…or someONE. As they traveled more and more inland, they eventually came across a large, rocky canyon filled with creepy wooden dolls.

"What IS this?" Chun-Li wondered aloud, gazing about her in spellbound horror. Suddenly she noticed one of the dolls had buns. "Gah!!" She was so upset by the overall creepiness that she failed to notice the huge crotch-shot number seven, which Ryu was nice enough to tally down for her.

"He's here," Ryu stated quietly, putting his paper away. "Akuma!" The menacing warrior's powerful presence began overwhelming the pair, and they gasped at the untold strength and power bearing down on them. "Where IS he?!" Ryu growled, looking left and right.

"The true warrior enters the arena with all his powers at the ready!" Akuma answered, choosing to remain unseen and instead speaking through one of his wooden dolls.

"Wha…I came here to meet with you, not for a ventriloquist show!!" Ryu barked. "Who do you think you are, Jeff Dunham?!" Drawing back a fist, he quickly destroyed the wooden dummy who'd dare spoken.

"…Well that was just _mean_," Akuma said after a moment from yet another of his wooden dolls. "But what do you know! I've got another one right here! …Would you like to hear…a knock-knock joke?"

"Stop this!!" Ryu shouted angrily. "Show yourself, Akuma!! I need you to help me!"

"Maybe I would have before…" Akuma's gravely voice spoke through the dummy, "but you broke one of my dolls! Do you have any _idea_ how much these things _cost_?! I had to get a part-time job as a cashier at 7-11 to pay for these bitches!! Me! Akuma! A _cashier_!!"

"You think I care about- _Auuuuugh_!" Ryu broke off as another attack of the Dark Hadou…or is it heart burn this time around? Oh, well, they're both pretty much the same, anyway. He's in pain, alright?

"Ryu!" Chun-Li gasped and ran forward. "Here, take some Pepcid AC! It's supposed to help!"

"No…I can't, it's too powerful!" Ryu choked out, struggling to control himself.

"…Tums, then?"

"No, too chalky!!"

Akuma simply chuckled, still unseen.

"Do it!" He taunted. "Throw your voice like me! Come on, it's fun!"

"No! I won't! I'm not like you!" Ryu continued to struggle valiantly.

"Then leave me!" The overpowering presence began to recede, and Ryu could see Akuma's back as he turned away in disgust.

"Wait! Answer me!" He called at the lone warrior's back. "Do you have a family, a son?"

"Where I go…I go alone," Akuma answered enigmatically. "Where I fight, I fight alone…"

Ryu watched the warrior stride away in silence.

"So…is that a yes or a no?"

"Where?" Akuma ignored Ryu and continued to retreat into the darkness. "Where is one that can stand against me? Against me, and my ventriloquist skills…"

Finally his stifling presence was gone, and everything was back to normal on the island. Ryu took a deep breath and sighed in relief.

"That was Akuma," he told Chun-Li. "The man who mastered our fighting style…and ventriloquism." Chun-Li just stood there quietly, contemplating.

"I…I'm taking this," she stated, ambling up to the wooden doll with buns and sticking it under her arm. "It'll look real cute in my front lawn."

"Hey, he forgot your camel-toe."

Chun-Li chucked the doll at him.

-Later…-

Later that day, Ryu and Chun-Li stood in the island's surf, talking about their experience with Akuma and his superior voice-throwing talents.

"You mean you'll turn into something like that?" Chun-Li was saying. "But that's-"

"Can you PLEASE put some pants on or something?" Ryu interrupted her, squinting one of his eyes closed. "Your camel-toe is _really_ distracting me."

"Oh, come on! It isn't even all that-"

"And that's crotch-shot number nine, _bitch_," a voice cut in. Ryu and Chun-Li turned to see Ken standing behind them, arms crossed and looking even more miffed than usual. "You moving in on my man?" He asked dangerously, glaring at the Asian woman.

"Excuse me?"

"What do you want, Ken?" Ryu intervened before a cat-fight could commence.

"You know what I want," Ken answered silkily, removing his top. Chun-Li gaped at them.

"Wha…what do you two think you're doing?!" She sputtered. "You two aren't going to have gay sex right here, are you?!" Ken cocked an eyebrow and looked at Ryu.

"…Are we?"

"NO!"

"No," Ken told her, disappointment in his voice painfully obvious. "I'm going to fight Ryu to try and turn him gay-"

Ryu shook his head back and forth.

"-Change his mind!" Ken corrected. "Let's go!" The two best friends jumped at one another, fists and feet flying. Chun-Li watched in awe as they battled it out on the ocean-soaked sand.

"…Hey…this is kinda hot…" Chun-Li sat down and pulled out some popcorn, enjoying the show. The fight didn't last for much longer, as both men collapsed on the ground with exhaustion, black and bruised.

"…I love you, man."

"Get off!" Ryu shoved Ken away and sat up. "Ken, remember, if I can't break free of the Dark Hadou/heart burn, I want you to-"

"I know, I know," Ken sighed. "You want me to fu-"

"ENOUGH OF THAT!!"

-Meanwhile…-

Meanwhile, in a secret, evil lab (appropriately called Sadler's Secret Evil Lab of Evil) far, far away in some remote sandy-desert place, Sadler giggled evilly to himself as he conducted several evil, secret experiments.

"Hee hee," he tittered evilly, "soon I shall have the Dark Hadou! The world will be mine!! _Hahahahahahaha_!!" He continued to laugh evilly as the camera panned out, the sand from the empty desert swirling in the wind and- "GAAK! Sand in my throat! Gak!"

-End Part 2-

Disclaimer: I don't own Street Fighter.

Author's Note: Wow, this is stupid. Still, it's fun.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Oh, boy. Here's the last part. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Street Fighter.

Street Fighter Beta

Part 3

A loud droning sang along with the wind as a large, extremely crappy airplane puttered through the sky. It shuddered and jolted from time to time, but the god of flight must have blessed it because it somehow managed to keep airborne despite its immense age and derelict condition. Upon the doomed vessel was a small crowd of street fighters, awaiting the arrival at their destination – Sadler's lair, where yet another street fighting tournament was taking place. Wow, are these fighters stupid or what?

Two of the unnamed street fighters were bickering with one another, shoving and squabbling like school children over the last cookie. Finally Ken stood up and faced them.

"Come ON, you two," he told them firmly, "STOP fighting over me."

"We're NOT!!" The two fighters roared back, but quickly shook hands in brotherly friendship and took their seats. Ken snorted and sat back down next to Ryu.

"_Pffft_! Denial." He paused and looked to his left where Chun-Li sat. "Why come along?" He asked curiously. "You in love with me or something?" Chun-Li stared at him blankly.

"I could crush your skull with my _ass_ muscles."

"Hey, sounds kinda kink-"

She punched him in the face.

Finally the aged plane began to make its landing. Dropping altitude, the flying vehicle coasted down a irresponsibly-small runway in the middle of a desert, struggling to stay together. Out of nowhere a bitched-out big-rig roared in the way, almost hitting the plane before swerving safely away. As the plane chugged to a halt, the now very sick street fighters all scrambled out to regurgitate their last meals. Once everyone was done puking, they looked up at the big-rig, staring in shock at the driver – a flamboyantly gay Samurai-man complete with authentic armor and a fan.

"Dude…he's gayer than ME!" Ken sputtered. "And that's _sayin'_ something!!" Everyone nodded in agreement. "You think he'd give me his number?" Everyone shook their heads. "*_Bleep_* you guys!!"

The street fighting crew gathered into a group and followed the gay Samurai-man through the sandy desert to a large warehouse-factory-type place, obviously Sadler's evil lab of evil. Upon entering the place, everyone was surprised (and in some cases, delighted) to find the building filled with a lovely green field of flowers. One fighter even ran from the group, twirling amongst the aromic plants, giggling and prancing-

"Ken, get BACK here!!"

"Sorry, I just couldn't resist," he mumbled, shuffling back to the others as Chun-Li glared. "It's kinda like watching Ryu _shower_-"

"What?"

"What?"

"STOP IT!!" Chun-Li hollered. They shut up. Suddenly the fighters noticed they were not alone. Also in the flower-filled room were a dozen or so strange-looking people, all walking about in a daze and acting, if I say it correctly, mentally challenged.

"Maybe we should leave Ken here," Chun-Li muttered.

"Not a bad idea," Ryu agreed, watching Ken make a flower-tiara for himself.

"You want one too, Ryu?"

"*_Bleep_* NO!!"

The fighters continued deeper into the facility, Ken still wearing his lovely tiara, until they finally arrived at a spacious, open arena ground.

"Welcome, fighters!" The evil Sadler greeted them from over an equally evil intercom. He watched his prey warily from behind a glass window set into the wall overlooking the arena. "Today, you will show me all your moves, so I can take over the _wor_- er, no, wait, I mean…get better at…_dancing_! Yes, that's it, dancing!!" The intercom went quiet for a moment. "Hurry up and start killing each other!"

"Wow, he dances?" Ken whispered to the others. "Maybe he'll give me some lessons if I win-"

"Maybe you'll SHUT UP," Chun-Li said dangerously, and Ken wisely closed his mouth.

Out on the arena floor, the fighting had begun. An enormous, mohawked black man named Birdy stepped out, swinging his chains, and faced his challenger, an Asian dude (Chun-Li cheered loudly for him) whose name I don't remember. Sadly, Birdy triumphed (Chun-Li booed), and was escorted from the arena into a dark and suspicious-looking hallway.

"Hey, hey," Birdy chortled, completely at ease, "what's the Dilly-Oh? Where you crackers takin' me?" Just then, the tuxedoed escorts disappeared and the door slammed shut, trapping Birdy in a small basement-type room. "Oh, snap! What's going on, yo?"

Suddenly gas hissed into the room from vents, filling the air with misty smoke. A TV set in the corner flickered on, and a creepy white-and-red masked puppet appeared on the screen.

"I've just released a deadly nerve toxin into the room," the puppet whispered evilly. "Let's play a game!"

Back up top at the arena, the fights continued as Sadler watched with barely restrained glee.

"Muscular data! Cellular data!" He sniggered to himself, then glanced at Chun-Li picking her nose. "Camel-toe data! _Give me all your data_!!!"

Ken finished his round quickly, beating the hell out of the flamboyant Samurai-man and shoving him roughly to the ground.

"THAT's for not giving me your number!" He barked down at the man's unconscious body. "You coulda had THIS," he gestured at himself, "but nuh-UH, not anymore, bucko!"

Tossing his head, he turned haughtily on his heel and sauntered away, following an escort just as Birdy had. Ryu and Chun-Li snuck after them, and together the three fighters easily defeated the guards, Ken grabbing one of them in a choke-hold.

"Where are the other Street Fighters?!" He demanded.

"S…Sadler's taking their data…for research!" The escort choked out, struggling for breath.

"Hmm…interesting," Ken muttered, then frowned. "Alright, next one! I want you to tell me…what's my favorite animal?!!"

"Gah…GAAAK!" The escort's eyes were bulging, and he clawed at the air desperately.

"Wrong! It's bunnies!"

"Good Lord, Ken, let him go!" Chun-Li intervened. "That is NOT how you do it!"

"It's not?"

"Wait a second!" Ryu interrupted, his brain working overtime. "If Sadler's taking the fighters away for research…then those messed-up people in the flowers were once Street Fighters!" He gasped aloud, a strange looking coming over his face.

"What's wrong?" Chun-Li asked, concerned.

"…Camel-toe."

Chun-Li slapped him.

"Ow…geez, bitch, you have more crotch-shots than face-shots in the whole damn movie…" Ryu rubbed his cheek, the gasped once again, another strange look coming over his features.

"What is it now?"

"I…kind of had to fart."

"Oh. I thought you could sense Shun's Ki or something else important." Chun-Li frowned. Ryu stared at her in confusion.

"…Who's Shun again?"

"That's what I thought."

The three of them decided to split up, playing Rock-Paper-Scissors to see which unfortunate bastard had to take Ken with them. Ryu won, and so happily waved goodbye as he ran off down the hall by himself. Chun-Li muttered darkly as she moved away, Ken skipping along behind her.

"Take off that ridiculous tiara already!!"

After a short while of searching, the two of them found the cell the other Street Fighters were being kept, and freed them.

"Listen to me!!" Chun-Li hollered at them as she forced open the door. "It's dangerous here! You've got to-"

"Horray, Camel-Toe!!" The Street Fighters cheered, not listening in the slightest.

"Ken, help me!!" Chun-Li begged. Ken thought for a moment, then stepped forward.

"Who wants to give me a big ol' hug and a kiss for saving them?!"

All the Street Fighters ran out screaming. Ken frowned at the empty cell, then turned to Chun-Li and raised an eyebrow in contemplation.

"NO." Chun-Li said firmly.

The two of them continued deeper into the facility, until finally they found Birdy, strapped to an insidious device with tubes and wires that was violently draining the data from him. Birdy twitched and moaned in pain, Chun-Li gasping in horror when she saw him.

"Oh my GOD!" She raised a hand and covered her mouth, aghast. "That is so-"

"KINKY!!" Ken finished. "You think he'll let me try it out after he's done with it?"

Chun-Li didn't answer. She was too busy struggling against the desire to strangle him with one of the stray wires hanging nearby.

-With Ryu-

Elsewhere in the facility, Ryu was wandering about, looking for…who was it again? Shin? Shawn? No…someone! He was looking for someone! Anyway, he came upon another (or the same?) field of flowers, in which wandered a small group of young children. Among them, one child seemed strangely familiar…

"Shun!" Ryu suddenly remembered why he had traveled all the way here – to save his kidnapped fake younger brother. "You alright?" He ran to his brother's side, who stared up at him with wide, vacant eyes.

"Look, brother!" Shun giggled. "I made you a sculpture out of my own doodie! It's stinky!"

"Shun! Oh my _God_!" Ryu's eyes filled with tears. "That is SO thoughtful of you! Thank goodness you're perfectly fine. Now let's go home!" He picked up Shun gingerly by the back of his shirt, and, holding him at arm's length, began moving toward the exit.

Deep in the heart of the facility, Sadler was having the data he'd extracted from the fighters implanted in himself…_evilly_. He chortled as he grew stronger, the data entering his body and affecting his muscles and mind.

"Yes…" he hissed softly, and evilly. "The Dark Hadou is becoming stronger! It will be mine! _Hahahahaha_- GAK!" He once again chocked on some sand and had to stop his evil laughter. "How the hell did some sand get in here? I need to vacuum more often…"

-Back With Chun-Li and Ken-

The Asian beauty and the American idiot had freed Birdy from the data-extracting machine, but he was severely weakened and had to be supported by the both of them. They slowly helped him to the door and into the hall, where they began the long trek to the exit leading outside.

"Seriously, though," Ken was asking the semi-conscious black man, "what was it like in that thing? Did it feel good?"

"Stop asking about that damn machine!!" Chun-Li snapped as Birdy moaned in remembrance. "Why are you so damn HORNY all the time?!!"

Ken stopped in his tracks.

"I…I'm not sorry," Chun-Li stated. "You can't blame me, you really _are_ horny a lot of the time and-"

"Shh!" Ken silenced her. "Can't you feel that?" Chun-Li frowned and concentrated. She gasped.

"Hey! I sense Ryu's Ki ahead of us!"

"That's _not_ Ryu," Ken said solemnly, clenching his fists. "Believe me, I know his manly scent anywhere, and that is _not_ his!"

"…You are so effing gay."

"Jealous?" Ken asked acidly, tossing his hair and accidentally whipping himself in the face.

From the shadowed hallway stretching before them emerged a huge, hulking giant of a man with long grey hair and- HEY!! It's that same cyborg-bastard from the building tournament place in Part 2! What the hell's he doing still alive?! He looked perfectly fine, other than bandages swathing his face where his metal eye once was.

"…Are…are you jealous, too?" Ken asked weakly. The cyborg-man simply smiled grimly, and attacked. Even with the combined power of Ken's gayness and Chun-Li's Camel Toe, they were still no match for the giant. His furry white boots were simply too powerful!!

"Chun-Li!" Ken choked out as he picked himself up from the floor. "Take Birdy and get out of here! Hurry!"

"…Okay!" Chun-Li grabbed Birdy and shot toward the exit without a backward glance.

"You _skank_!" Ken shouted after her. "Oh, well, now that she's gone…" He slowly turned back to the cyborg and cracked his knuckles. "I'll be taking them _boots_."

The cyborg grinned and began using the Dark Hadou.

"…or peeing myself. Whichever."

Ryu, on the other side of the facility at the moment, wandered the site alone, having lost Shun once again with his horrible big-brother skills. Seriously, man, keep an eye on that little brat! As he walked around, figures suddenly leapt from the shadows and attacked, figures that looked a hell of a lot like…

Putties from Power Rangers! Oh, no! Ryu didn't let this faze him, and easily defeated the Putties with several well-aimed punches and kicks.

"Curses! Our ambush has failed!" Rita Repulsa hissed from nearby. "Retreat!!"

Ryu just stared in confusion as she and the Putties retreated into the darkness.

Back with our other heroes (?), Ken had been soundly beaten to the ground, as had Birdy, leaving Chun-li to fight the giant all on her lonesome. She backed away in fear, the cyborg looming over her and leering evilly.

"C…Camel Toe?" She tried, pointing at her crotch.

It had absolutely no effect.

"You're not HUMAN!!" Chun-Li sobbed as the cyborg picked her up and easily snapped one of her legs. "E…e…_eleven_…" She whimpered in pain. Ken staggered to his feet and managed to catch her as the Incredible Hulk threw her down.

"Ken…he's not _normal_…" Chun-Li sniffled. "I's like he…doesn't even CARE about my Camel Toe…*_Sob sob sob_!!*"

"Shh, there, there," Ken consoled, hugging her and patting her head. "Shh. That's it, let it all out. It'll be okay…" He held her for a few more moments in silence. "Hey later can you show me how you put your hair up? It's _super_ cute like that."

"Get off!"

The cyborg decided to ruin the somewhat-touching (mostly unwanted) moment by firing a laser like he did before, blasting everyone backward into the wall and causing a loud explosion. Ken and Chun-Li tumbled out onto the arena from earlier, the more feminine of the two (that would be Ken) struggling to his feet in one final act of resistance.

"Oh, yeah? Well…you're ugly!" He stated, then fell over backward.

A single tear ran down the cyborg's cheek.

"No-one understands me," he whispered softly.

"Ken! Chun-Li!" Finally, Ryu had arrived. He stood before the hulking giant and glared. No words needed to be exchanged. Both men leapt together and began battling. At the fight raged on, Ken weakly raised his head and sniffed gingerly at the air.

"Is that…could it be…the scent of Ryu's manly sweat?! It _is_! I am magically revived!" He bounced to his feet and did several jumping-jacks, then turned to watch the fight. "Oh, this was all _totally_ worth it!!"

As Ryu and the Hulk continued their battle, the cyborg suddenly stepped back and grinned.

"Yes, Ryu," he chuckled in a deep, sinister voice. "Let your _rage_ take over! Let your _anger_ control you!"

"Okay, what is this, the clichéd Darth Vader speech?" Ryu scoffed, rolling his eyes. "And you're even using the same voice!"

"Alright then, how's this one?" The cyborg sneered, suddenly speaking in Shun's voice.

"Wha…you sick son of a bitch!!" Ryu watched in mounting horror as Shun's face suddenly emerged from the cyborg's abdomen, smirking cruelly.

"Hello, brother! How are you-"

"Oh! Oh, GOD! What is this movie RATED?" Ryu interrupted, eyes glued to Shun. "Because this warrants an "R" right here! Good LORD!"

"…Bro-"

"I mean, REALLY!!"

"Okay, we get it!!" Shun snapped. "Stop interrupting me!" Ryu closed his mouth and shuffled his feet a bit. Shun took this as his cue to continue. "You didn't _really_ believe I was your brother, did you?" He asked, sneering. Ryu blinked.

"But…but you knew mom's name…" He argued weakly. Shun stared at him.

"Good God you really are that stupid." So saying, Shun's face retreated back inside the cyborg's belly, but his voice continued to taunt Ryu. "Come on! Fire a Dark Hadou at me! Do it, or…I'll kill him!" The cyborg lifted up Ken by the hair, who struggled feebly in his grasp.

Ryu stared blankly at him.

"…Or…I'll kill…_her_?" The cybord lowered Ken and pointed at Chun-Li.

"_You monster_!!" Ryu roared, rage overwhelming him.

"Yes, that's good, get angry!" The cyborg laughed, still using Shun's voice. "Now…watch this!" And the cyborg took out a bag of bottles…and began _breaking_ them.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Ryu howled in anguish as he watched. "You twisted fiend! You could have gotten seventy-five cents for those! _SEVENTY…FIVE…CENTS_!" With an inhuman roar, Ryu launched himself at the cyborg, and the battle began anew. Sadler watched, still collecting data and growing ever stronger.

"Was that supposed to hurt?" Shun laughed, his face appearing once again from the cyborg's abdomen as the two fighters broke apart. "This body is-"

"Oh GOD will you just stay IN there?!" Ryu cried, shoving the boy's face back where it came. "You are seriously grossing me OUT!"

"Mmph! Ow! Look, just fire off a Dark Hadou and kill me, alright?!" Shun barked, his voice slightly muffled.

"Well alright." Ryu immediately began building his power for a shot.

"Wait!" The cyborg cried, holding up a hand. "I still have to do…_this_!!" He whirled around and shot yet another laser beam behind him, destroying more of the arena and causing rubble to rain down.

"Oh! My shirt was disintegrated!" Ken cried, suddenly shirtless.

"…Actually, I was aiming at her," the cyborg stated awkwardly, pointing at the smoking and charred Chun-Li.

"…Oh." Ken blinked and glanced down at the shredded remains of his shirt. "Well then it got disintegrated by my burning passion for Ryu!"

"So…GAY…" Chun-Li coughed, then cried out as the cyborg kicked her harshly. Ken quickly stood and got in the way, facing off against the inhuman giant.

"I've never fought anyone just to hurt them," Ken growled, glaring at his opponent. "…Or if they had a nice butt or were _really_ cute-"

"Get on with it!" The cyborg barked.

"Alright, to sum it all up…" Ken finished, "I'm gonna _kill_ you. Ryu, this one's for YOU!!" So saying, he ran toward the cyborg, intent clear in his eyes, fists clenched, teeth grit-

And tried to kiss him.

"Okay, that's just WRONG," the cyborg stated, then easily threw Ken to the ground. "No means no, dumbass."

"God, I'm even hopeless with _machines_!" Ken sobbed, his face in the dirt.

"That's enough!" Ryu's body glowed darkly as he used the Dark Hadou. He began gathering the evil energy into the palms of his hand, just as he'd done back at the demolished building.

"Don't do it, Ryu!" Ken begged, trying to distract him. "Look, my lovely golden locks are down and I'm rubbing my muscular body with scented oils!"

Ryu paid him no attention, as usual, and continued building energy.

"Here, Chun-Li, you try! Take your top off!"

Chun-Li slapped him.

It was too late, anyway. Ryu flung his hands forward and shot the Dark Hadou at the cyborg, blasting a hole right through its abdomen and sending Shun flying free, where he landed on the ground nearby with a thud.

"This must be why…I feel so _empty_ inside…" the cyborg whispered, then slowly keeled over. Ryu stared quietly at the smoldering wreckage that was his opponent.

"Hey, how much d'ya think I'd get for him at the redemption center?" He asked the others.

"Five bucks, maybe?" Ken mused, scratching his chin.

"Five whole bucks? SWEET!" Ryu stepped forward and began trying to crush the cyborg's body smaller. "Come on, you bastard, you gotta fit in my pocket…"

CRASH!!

The over-looking window leading into Sadler's evil lab of evil suddenly shattered, and the now all-powerful (and evil) Sadler leapt out. The data had severely warped his body, his muscles now bulging and steaming with sweat.

"Hey, that asshole had a sauna in there?" Ken loudly complained. "Lu-key!"

"Shh!" Chun-Li shushed him. "This is the best part! Be quiet and watch!"

"It'd be better if they were both oiled and _naked_-"

"I said SHH!!"

"Thanks for all the power, Ryu!" Sadler was saying, grinning. "Allow me to thank you!" He did so by beating the ever-loving crap out of the already exhausted Ryu.

"There really isn't…any need…to thank me!" Ryu choked out modestly as he slammed back onto the ground.

"Oh, come now, it's my _pleasure_!" Sadler giggled, giving him another punch. "This body is magnificent! So powerful! I can feel the evil swelling up, and flowing out of me!"

"Then say _excuse_ me, farter!" Ken snapped from the sidelines. Chun-Li smacked the back of his head.

As the Dark Hadou once again overwhelmed Ryu, both he and Sadler began building up energy, readying shots to throw at one another. A card suddenly spun down from the sky, and Ryu groaned.

"Oh, not NOW, Miss Cleo!" He complained. "I'm still broke!"

Rose appeared and cleared her throat, mindful to use the correct accent.

"Ya haven't tuhned ovah de deth cahd yet!" She said enigmatically, then disappeared. Ryu stared in confusion.

"…Wait, what the *_bleep_* is that even supposed to _mean_?" He asked.

"That'll be an _additional_ ten thousand dollars," Rose's disembodied voice answered.

"Son of a BITCH!" Ryu turned his concentration back on gathering energy.

"What is _wrong_ with you? Have you no _shame_?" Chun-Li hissed at the camera. "Doing an ass-shot at a time like this! …Hold on." She blinked. "Ass-shot…_I've got it_!!"

"_HRAAAAA_!" Sadler managed to fire off his shot of energy first, hitting Ryu and causing him to flinch. Ryu fought through the pain and shot his own beam at Sadler, the energy converting from dark to light in the last moment. "Hah!" Sadler laughed, not intimidated. "You think you can beat me with-"

"Look, Camel-Toe!!" Chun-Li cried, gesturing at her spandex-clad crotch.

"What? Where?" Sadler immediately wheeled around to ogle, and was blasted with the holy energy, which destroyed him instantly. As the smoke cleared and everyone breathed a sigh of relief, Chun-Li smiled smugly and crossed her arms.

"See?" She said. "Told you that other guy wasn't human."

"You _whore_." Ken stated.

"Right back at you."

"Touché."

"And quit it with the oils already," Chun-Li told him. "He's NOT looking." Ken frowned.

"…Are you?"

"NO."

"Shun, don't die!" Ryu had ignored the bickering pair and run to his fake brother's side. He picked up his broken little body and held it close. "Who else is gonna help me find twenty thousand dollars worth of cans?"

"Why don't you just ask Ken for the money?" Shun asked weakly. Ryu shook his head.

"No, his loans always involve sexual favors."

"Oh. Ew." Shun cringed. "But…" he looked back up at Ryu, eyes misting over. "You must have known…that it was a trap, right? That I wasn't your brother? I mean…_no-one's_ that dumb…"

"Ryu is," Ken called over.

"SHUT UP, HOMO!" Ryu shot back. He slowly stood, holding Shun in his arms, a solemn look on his face. "I shall _never_ again use the power of the Dark Hadou."

"There's a bee on your shoulder." Shun told him.

"HYAA!!" Ryu used the Dark Hadou to blast that mother-*_bleep_*er back to the hive. "Oh, wait. I wasn't supposed to- DAMMIT!"

"Oh…brother…" Shun gave a soft laugh, closed his eyes, and moved no more. Ryu stared down at him, tears filling his eyes.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Ow! What? What's wrong?!" Chun-Li demanded, covering her ears. Ryu looked at her and sniffled.

"I just remembered the Redemption Center is closed on weekends."

"Well whaddaya know? I'm open all the-"

"Ken, shut the *_bleep_* up."

-Epilogue-

Several weeks after the mind-scarring battle at Sadler's lab, life had gone back to normal for all the fighters.

Chun-Li was back to literally fighting crime in the streets of the city. She'd made the use of the word 'Camel Toe' a criminal offense punishable by death, and was patrolling the area to enforce that law.

Sakura had entered the hot-dog eating competition and won, devouring one-hundred-and-eight hotdogs in just under a minute. Even more impressive, she did it while also keeping the predator-cams away from her underage crotch.

Ken took a break from fighting for a while and went on Dancing With the Stars. The only memorable thing about him on the show were the enormous, fluffy white boots he always wore while dancing. It seems he managed to procure them after all…

And Ryu. Well…

Ryu stood back on the lonely isle, his shirt covered in fresh vomit, glaring a challenge at Akuma, who stood before him, a dangerous look on his dark face.

"Are you in a hurry to die as well?" He asked, hoisting up one of his wooden dolls and speaking through it. Ryu smirked, and from behind his back withdrew…

His own wooden dummy, with a white bandana around its head.

"But I'm not walking down the same path as you," Ryu replied, speaking through the dummy.

Akuma grinned.

"I see you can throw your voice as well," Akuma said with relish. "How wonderful."

And the ventriloquism battle began.

-The End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Street Fighter.

Author's Note: Holy cow that took a while! About thirty pages in all, too. Wow. Still, I'm quite happy with it. Next one to do is Street Fighter II, the movie. Oh, boy. *_Cracks knuckles_*. I can hardly wait. Later!


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